Log

[lolotehe]

Jul 02 2003 06:24:23
Asmoduce: what in the great god's eyes are you doing up at this hour???
battykoda69: good question...i dunno....what about you?
Asmoduce: no sleep... kinda fucked in the head right now
battykoda69: understandable.....i'm there wit yea
Asmoduce: most of the women in my life say I should see a head shrinker, maybe get on a drug plan to "fix" myself...
Asmoduce: I am WAY scared of the idea even...
Asmoduce: I have fought the concept of me on "drugs" to "fix" my issues since 4th friggin grade...
battykoda69: dude i'm am SOOOOO there with you
Asmoduce: sooo, the idea that ALL the women I spend a lot of time with saying the same thing buggs me
battykoda69: drugs and me dont interact real well anyways
Asmoduce: I don't wanna be a drug bunny, with no personality
battykoda69: yea quite understandable that it buggs you...it would bug me as well
Asmoduce: but, things have changed, supposedly...
Asmoduce: Hell, maybe I do need to be on something...
Asmoduce: I don't know man, I am actually afraid of the concept, not wary, not against it, fucking afraid of it
battykoda69: RRRrrrrr......i dunno man.......what reasons have they or you given your self to do this man?
Asmoduce: so, here I sit, my guts all twisted into knots...
Asmoduce: well, my sleeping issues(like now), my way big mood swings(I AM Manic-Dep afterall), and, well, I am not a "well" man, body chemistry wise...
Asmoduce: the whole idea just scares me man
Asmoduce: kind of, "they were right all these years..." they being the fucking head shrinkers that ripped me apart al those years ago, and, the friggin Navy head shrinker that ruined my career in the Corps...
battykoda69: dude
battykoda69: damn
Asmoduce: If I admit to it now, and get on some kind of drug regime, it will mean I have spent all these years, denying it, just cause i was too, "something" to do it
battykoda69: i dunno man.....i never trusted a damn word that ever came outta head shinrkers mouth...much less a navy one
Asmoduce: yeah... tell me about it
battykoda69: hell and i am ex-navy and i did'nt trust the fuckers then and i still dont to this day........
battykoda69: course then again i am not for useing shit that fucks up your system to compensate for some thing goin on in your head
Asmoduce: well, what if tghe shit going on in my head, is based on an in-ability to cope, 'cause of shit I can't control?(chemistry and such)
battykoda69: i dunno man........they told me i had chemical off balances a ew times.......and yea i know i got issues...hell i got volumes.......i know that i have deeprooted psycie promblems in there.........i dunno man........i dunno.......rememeber asmo after all i am asmo version 2.0.........sometimes the way that you and i sync up is kinda scary...........
Asmoduce: heh, yeah
Asmoduce: heh, let's go get some druggs, become asmo-3.0 at the same time
battykoda69: LOL.......yea........but to think if we both become stable at the same time what will that do to the time space continuim???
Asmoduce: implossion
battykoda69: hehehehehehe
Asmoduce: would that be a boom, or, a pop?
battykoda69: sounds fun....but you know if we both go druged will we still fully aprieate the beauty of that which will happen once we do that?
Asmoduce: I am gonna get chiva over here, so we can talk about this counseling thing some...
Asmoduce: she has raised some excelent points...
battykoda69: right right
Asmoduce: can you say no motivatuion???
Asmoduce: maybe I do need drugs...
battykoda69: i dont really count motivation as in need of drugs
Asmoduce: yeah, but, when ya don't have enough "gumption" to walk out the door and face the world???
Asmoduce: hell, I think i am trying ta talk myself into it...
battykoda69: in what way and doing what
battykoda69: i think you are too
Asmoduce: I need some time with a shaman...
battykoda69: or at least thats what i'm gettin over the comp
battykoda69: yea.....that might work alot better....or at least put you on the right path
Asmoduce: man, I have no "guts" anymore... the littlesst things scrae me
battykoda69: oh......damn man........i did'ntknwo you had gone there man
Asmoduce: I am afradi of dealing with just about anything that isn't wrapped up in my immediate group...
Asmoduce: yeah, I have gone to a bad bad place... been there for a couple of years...
Asmoduce: hell man, you only really know the coward Asmo...
battykoda69: social anxiety?
Asmoduce: anxiety to the "inth" degree man...
Asmoduce: shakes, chills, stomach issues...
Asmoduce: the whole nine
Asmoduce: it got so bad at SBC, that, I was "living" in the bathrrom between calls, puking my guts out
Asmoduce: I would be fine, leaving for work, as I got closer and closer, my stomach would get worse and worse
battykoda69: Hmm.........damn..........yea there is no maybe.....first thing you need to do is get yo self a shaman
Asmoduce: by the time I hit the phones, I had usually puked twice...
battykoda69: fuck
Asmoduce: or worse, had the runs so bad my ass was rubbed raw from the tissue
Asmoduce: it is like that anytime I go for a job interview... hell, grabbing an application gives me the friggin shakes
Asmoduce: I have no idea how things got this bad, but, here they are
Asmoduce: walking into the shops and jiffy lubes I have the last few months, looking for work, has been a test of faith like my own personal D-Day...
Asmoduce: brb
battykoda69: damn.......um...........dude...this aint cool..................i get there at points..........and some how pull out for a lil bit....and then back i go into it........i dont puke and shit as much as you say but........dude ..........eek
Asmoduce: yeah, it is something all right
Asmoduce: I end up curled inna friggin ball in the corner, so to speak
Asmoduce: the ass-rappin part of it all is, I have no idea fucking why
battykoda69: um...thats two of us
Asmoduce: I don't remember when it started, I don't remember what was goin through my head in the "beginning", it is just the way it is now
battykoda69: you dont understand your...and i still have'nt even scrached the surface on mine
Asmoduce: it has gotten so bad, that, I was unable to "perform" in bed, and not "freak" out...
Asmoduce: Anyala has helped me so much
Asmoduce: I know where the bedroom issues came from... my interaction with Lolotehe...
Asmoduce: the level at which I had gotten fucked up, I didn't realise...
Asmoduce: it took trying to bang someone else, to realise how bad a shape I was really in
battykoda69: you usually dont till it's on your ass and in yo face
Asmoduce: yeah
battykoda69: ok well man send the pics at some point today....i'm gonna go for a walk and maybe watch a movie.....then try and get some sleep
battykoda69: you know you can call me at ANY point if you need da batt for anything man.........
Asmoduce: will do man... have fun