Log

[lolotehe]

Oct 23 2003 23:19:04
Lolotehe: hey, I got a wierd question
Anyla: yea?
Lolotehe: is it wrong to compare walking in on someone masturbating to walking in on someone shooting up, even if it's only in your head?
Lolotehe: because that's what it feels like
Anyla: well...
Lolotehe: "yeah, I knew you did that, but I walked in on you, so you stop and now you're bitchy for the rest of the day"
Anyla: well if it is like that then yea...if someone stops because you came in and then is "bitchy" cause they couldnt finish, when well they could somewhere else if it wasnt accpetable to finish whereever it was
Anyla: er...that make any sense?
Lolotehe: why I am held accountable for your reaction? kinda thing
Anyla: yea
Anyla: *shrug* heroin or masterbating can be taken elsewhere
Lolotehe: well, that's why Asmoduce's computer was moved out of the bedroom. I won't be kept from my own bed
Anyla: alright
Lolotehe: but there's no nice way to broach the subject of "hey, I'm getting tired of being kept out of a room with my stuff in it"
Anyla: true
Lolotehe: It's like living with a junkie
Anyla: did something happen?
Lolotehe: no, i just came home and wanted to check my downloads
Lolotehe: it's happened before
Lolotehe: so, now he goes and takes the shower
Lolotehe: I would say it's a big source of sex issues, but by the same respect, it's caused by sex issues
Anyla: *nod*
Lolotehe: it's just another outlet
Lolotehe: but I feel a little cheapened by it. Some computer model doesn't have to have to hear about how boring it was six months later
Lolotehe: whatever
Anyla: what do you mean hear about it being boring?
Lolotehe: many moons ago, Asmoduce and I were on acid and we had sex and I had a really great time. Best ever.
Lolotehe: but later, he was talking about how dull it was. and how bad sex on acid is just so much worse
Lolotehe: so, to hell with acid
Anyla: that's wrong
Lolotehe: that's what I want and I don't want to hear about it later
Lolotehe: blah
Lolotehe: I hear to many stories and they're hard to put to rest
Lolotehe: I have issues I have to work trough
Anyla: *nod* god this is gonna sound strange, is there anything i can do to help?
Anyla: 'cause well...you should have fun
Lolotehe: Yeah, ya got a time machine?
Lolotehe: jk, no, I have to work through it
Anyla: *nod* ok
Lolotehe: it's my issue, I can't punish someone for my response
Anyla: no, but with that happening i dont think the response is really wrong
Lolotehe: no, but it's being taken out of context, you see
Anyla: ?
Lolotehe: it's just my reponse, I can't tell you what else is going on in there
Anyla: i didnt understand that, you mean what else is mixed up with it?
Lolotehe: I'm sure alot of the behavior is a response to my behavior. it's a cycle
Anyla: ahh ok
Anyla: then to break the cycle, have work done on both sides?
Lolotehe: yeah, that's what I'm trying to do
Lolotehe: I might be going about it wrong, but I'm working off what I knpw
Lolotehe: and the less fights, the better--in my mind
Anyla: less fights is always a better situation
Lolotehe: because those fights don't go anywhere. It's a bunch of boo-hoo-ing and the next day it's same old, same old
Lolotehe: there was a lot of comparison at first, "so and so could" or "so and so really liked" and I can't compete with a rosey imagined past
Anyla: weird..
Anyla: i'm assuming you said something?
Lolotehe: about that? oh yeah
Lolotehe: that's stopped
Anyla: ok good
Lolotehe: oh no, I'm not going to sit around for that
Anyla: *nod* no way in hell
Anyla: if you ask it is different but because you dont do or like something it is brought up, well sucks
Lolotehe: yeah
Anyla: well..suck
Lolotehe: It's just the place where I am "not equal"
Lolotehe: but I have other things I can do
Anyla: no, there is never a not equal, i absolutley hate standards like that....it ain't about what you do, it's about what you feel
Lolotehe: I have trouble "getting into" things
Lolotehe: I don't lose myself easily
Anyla: alright, is it a control thing or you really just dont feel it no matter what?
Anyla: and if i start asking questions you dont like them please tell me to back down
Lolotehe: no, it's cool
Anyla: alright
Lolotehe: I don't _think_ it's a control thing, but it's too easy to get distracted
Lolotehe: maybe I just don't want to talk too much and direct where things are going, I can pretty much move things with my responses
Anyla: just kinda let it flow along?
Lolotehe: can't really
Lolotehe: I'm not into it
Lolotehe: and what I like, he finds dull, and I don't like what he likes
Lolotehe: and it's just overwhelming, he's sooo into it. It's who he is, it consumes him
Lolotehe: I'm not frightened or disgusted, but more annoyed
Lolotehe: It's hard to discribe
Anyla: is it because there is part of him that is there but isnt really?
Lolotehe: because it's a part of him that is so devoted and could be so much more...usefull..if directed elsewhere
Lolotehe: if a tenth of that
Lolotehe: it's such a consuming thing, everything is translated to it
Anyla: *nod* ok, i got it now
Lolotehe: all this time and energy focused on something, and a mad desire to have as much as possible, it feels like a waste after a while
Lolotehe: because it's not any big thing now. it's just adding to a collection, feeding a hunger that will never go away
Lolotehe: it's not a want or desire, it's a need that causes pain in its absence
Lolotehe: and i don't deal well with people who "need" things from me
Anyla: *nod* what about if instead of need it was want or desire?
Lolotehe: but it's a want that goes past all that
Lolotehe: it's a desire that fills every moment
Lolotehe: so it comes off as a need
Lolotehe: i can't have steak, so I'll eat ramen, because I'm hungry. I need
Lolotehe: I want a drink, i want a smoke
Lolotehe: but after a while, I need a drink, or a need a smoke, you see?
Anyla: it takes over until it has to be had?
Lolotehe: yeah
Lolotehe: it changes itself
Anyla: never looked at it like that
Lolotehe: it eats up everything
Lolotehe: no, so I feel like an enabler
Lolotehe: because it's not like everything else will stop if I start doing something differently. It'll still happen
Anyla: which will still happen?
Lolotehe: and I'm not going to start laying out conditions that i can't make good on
Anyla: *nod*
Lolotehe: but there's no nice way to broach that subject without it being a fight. And i can't stand the crying. I feel so guilty afterwards and it makes me feel like I'm some sort of awful person
Lolotehe: "how could I be so cruel?"
Anyla: have you thought about writing it out?
Lolotehe: I don't do the "phantom note lady" trick anymore. And he won't stand for it
Lolotehe: not if I'm sitting right there
Lolotehe: and especially not if I leave it for him
Anyla: well..damn
Lolotehe: because then it's another fight with "this is really intresting stuff you wrote" and then a line-by-line dissection
Anyla: without the overall message being received?
Anyla: actually..is this a just us disscusion or can i talk to him about some of this?
Anyla: crap..brb
Lolotehe: no, you can talk to him about it. I have no problem with that
Lolotehe: i usually talk to Kris about this stuff
Anyla: sorry, i'm back
Lolotehe: smoke or pee?
Anyla: i wanted to make sure that it wouldnt cause problems if i did
Anyla: neither, dad was yelling at me
Lolotehe: it *shouldn't*
Anyla: *nod* well we talk about it, so if i pop in with something of no that isnt why, i didnt want to be "betraying" confindence or something, some people are touchy about hat
Anyla: er..that
Lolotehe: oh no, nothing like that
Lolotehe: (people are very touchy about hats, by the way)
Anyla: lol
Anyla: 'cause he knows he missed "the boat" on a lot of stuff, and says he wants to fix it
Lolotehe: "train go sorry"
Anyla: yup
Lolotehe: That's my fault. i don't communicate well
Lolotehe: i internalize a lot of things
Anyla: *nod* having to work on that myself, which is why i suggested the writing it out, because you can pick and choose your words better than just blurting out something to get away from what is uncomfortable
Lolotehe: too scripted
Anyla: i dunno, i've had good experinces with it, you write out whatever it is, the other person reads it and then able to talk about it, but maybe that is me
Lolotehe: It doesn't work with him. I've tried. he thinks it's dishonest and cowardly
Anyla: heh...unless you are apoligising
Lolotehe: feh
Anyla: well, crap...because it is no good you feeling wrong because of tears that doesnt get anywhere and no notes, maybe someone mediating?
Lolotehe: yeah, that's why i suggested councilling
Anyla: i heard about that, but nothing came of it
Lolotehe: nope
Anyla: make an appt. and tell him when to go?
Lolotehe: I have to set the money aside
Anyla: *nod* 'cause it is sounding like the best thing, cause you suggested it and as far as he said he was all for it
Lolotehe: yeah, I just have to find someone who isn't too expensive
Lolotehe: and that's hard without insurance
Anyla: *nod* i'll do some looking and see what i can find
Lolotehe: and insurance rarely covers it
Lolotehe: $80 for a hour? and nothing to show for it, really?
Lolotehe: okay, bedtime
Anyla: okay, i'll talk to you later
Lolotehe: nite