Log

[lolotehe]

Lilchiva: Hey
Asmoduce: Hey there
Lilchiva: What’s up?
Asmoduce: Same old same old... couldn't sleep, playing some Civ. 3
Lilchiva: I hear you’re doing shitty. What’s going on?
Asmoduce: Well, things just not going well. No more income, no pizza delivery stuff, no Kroger, trying for a valet thing now... pretty much, all is shit
Lilchiva: What are you going to do?
Asmoduce: No idea yet, just kind of stunned by it all. Things have gone from bad, to worse, to "what the fuck?" since Feb.
Lilchiva: From what I hear, I think you have been sabotaging yourself and wallowing in depression, I say this because who I have spoken to (Analya and Gadik, and a wee bit Florenge) seem not to want to tell you this but they will tell me account to that effect, you rarely talk to me. My assumption here is that you have lost your shit .So do you want to get some coffee?
Asmoduce: Of course I have... my shit is gone, out the door, left the building. All I am doing now is riding this fucker into the sun...
Lilchiva: Well Asmoduce, are you at least having a good time? It doesn’t sound like it
Asmoduce: Nope
Lilchiva: Right
Asmoduce: No fun for me... too many minutes in the day
Lilchiva: So you need to fix your shit
Asmoduce: No shit. I was "ready" for this, and, well, I needed the safety net I "thought" I had...but, besides the kindness of others, I have been unable to get anything accomplished
Lilchiva: That’s completely on you; you realize that right?
Asmoduce: Of course all my fault, babe, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier
Lilchiva: I am going to be a real bitch to you, cause you need a an ass kicker right now, you’re sliding into oblivion, and I am trying to be your friend here
Asmoduce: Sliding into oblivion? Heh, that is one way of saying it
Lilchiva: No Asmoduce, look at your life right now, you’re feeling sorry for yourself, but you’re not changing anything and the people who have been around you don’t really see you trying
Asmoduce: Yup
Lilchiva: You need to respect yourself more than this you don’t want to be this person
Asmoduce: Yup
Lilchiva: No one seems to be pressing this with you, in way that is at all honest or productive
Asmoduce: Have you ever spent an hour looking at your phone, knowing there is someone you need to call, and, not been able to do it?
Lilchiva: I am not trying to kick you while you are down but you need to stop fucking yourself
Asmoduce: Yup yup I know this. Making it happen is where I am failing
Lilchiva: Why?
Asmoduce: 64 million dollar question
Lilchiva: Have you talked to your folks?
Asmoduce: Yup this weekend
Lilchiva: What do they say?
Asmoduce: Besides "just do it..." not much I get plenty of, "you need to do this, you need to stop fucking yourself over..." the how, well, that is what I need, heh, kind of funny, in a painful way
Lilchiva: You think you need to move in with them for a while?
Asmoduce: I know the things that need to happen, but can't seem to find a way to make myself accomplish them. Moving in with the folks would pretty much force a collapse of what is left of my psyche... I would be, in effect, "done".
Lilchiva: Don’t you think that’s where you’re heading? I mean you’re disintegrating right here; you’re going to lose your apartment, if you can’t handle your shit right now. Get help. You need help. At the very least you’re suffering from clinical depression.
Asmoduce: What help? From where? From who, how?
Lilchiva: Well let’s see, your family, the mental health community, state and local agencies, and most of all, yourself. And your friends but what I am getting is that you’re not listening to them.
Asmoduce: Tell ya what, can you spot me coffee?
Lilchiva: No, I am broke as shit. I can barley get my own coffee
Asmoduce: Heh
Lilchiva: Arazola has yet to pay me
Asmoduce: Of course
Lilchiva: But one day, $1200. He always does
Asmoduce: Yup yup
Lilchiva: But he is getting rid of his office manager so that’s the hold up
Asmoduce: The person that makes the paper work flow?
Lilchiva: Right, so here is my thing
Asmoduce: You know what my "help" has been?
Lilchiva: What?
Asmoduce: "Get a job, you'll feel better with a job" "anything, something, doesn't matter what" "just do it..." and, I can't seem to, "just do it" right now worth a shit
Lilchiva: Ya know dude, you never gave your cell number, you know I have tried very hard to assist you in getting your shit straight and you ignore me or avoid me
Lilchiva: And what I see is that my friend here has willfully gone to hell and that shit isn’t right. You know I would have kicked your ass much sooner. So my gig is that you don’t want to face this.
Asmoduce: Makes sense so, how do I fix it?
Lilchiva: And you’re not wanting to try, but the thing you need to do know is figure out what you’re going to do next and do it. Which is first? You’re not getting employment, so how are you going to get rent? Or where are you going to live round the 3rd?
Asmoduce: Actually, more like the 8th... rent isn't due till the 5th
Lilchiva: Ah, well then, fine whatever, you’re not going to get a job in time, unless you bust your ass getting some cash ASAP which means pizza or taxi or bouncer or something day laborer
Asmoduce: No license for taxi, sooo
Lilchiva: Whatever you can get one. You need some money. Though my point is that you need to say to yourself, “everything starts now right now.” You’re in this situation as if waking into a lower level nightmare. What would Über Asmoduce do?
Asmoduce: No idea now
Lilchiva: Come on, think. If you were that guy you always wanted to be in your head, what would he do?
Asmoduce: Über, would already have gotten a job, beaten the shit out of Ishmod, started bagging high school chicks with reckless abandon, the works
Lilchiva: Fuck you; Über is right now in this shit, all right? So it’s like, what would this guy do right now, when faced with this situation? Forget the past, you cannot change it right now. Like what’s the most pimp thing to do right now?
Asmoduce: Heh, go out in a blaze of glory?
Lilchiva: What would that be? Cause this isn’t it. Glory’s the word here. isn’t nothing glorious at this point in the narrative.
Asmoduce: Or honorable either
Lilchiva: Be real specific no, not in truth, so what’s reality?
Asmoduce: I have no honor now; I know that is cheesy, but, that is message number one in this dense head of mine
Lilchiva: You know as well as I do you have been riding this shit for a long long time
Asmoduce: yeah, I even asked D how to get out of it, 2 years ago now
Lilchiva: You have to cut the shit with yourself
Asmoduce: How?
Lilchiva: BE HONEST
Asmoduce: 'splain
Lilchiva: You’re one of the most personally dishonest people I know
Asmoduce: 'splain
Lilchiva: You cannot just cut the shit with yourself and look at yourself and accept it
Asmoduce: I don't understand that
Lilchiva: Like, how you have never left the country but that part of your myth, the Marines myth, and that’s fine, but you lie to yourself about who you are
Asmoduce: Marines myth?
Lilchiva: You have created this myth that’s not you and you tell it to yourself and its not true and its one of the most hurtful things you have done to yourself because you never face yourself. I know I am loser, I know who I am and I try to make the most out of it and fix what I can. But Asmoduce, you never look at yourself like that. Not once and you shun people who remind you of that
Asmoduce: I never left the country, I never joined the OTO, I didn't do a lot of things, but the Marines? I didn't do the Marines?
Lilchiva: You weren’t a Marine; you washed out of boot camp, you told me so yourself
Asmoduce: Washed out of A school, little different
Lilchiva: You went to the Marines. Asmoduce, you told my father you washed out of boot camp
Asmoduce: Ok, works for me, anything else?
Lilchiva: No dude, you’re not getting this. You think I have just come to shit on you. You’re not hearing this
Asmoduce: No, I think there is a difference in memory... I don't tell people I washed out of A school the first fucking week I was there
Lilchiva: You told my father that you washed out. before you walked for boot a week before, you told me that and that been a consistent tea time of the soul story for years. Cause if you walked you could get veteran’s benefits or medical stuff from a medical discharge; you have to been in six months to qualify
Asmoduce: I made 13 weeks
Lilchiva: My point made, why can’t you deal with that? What’s so fucking hard about it? I didn't go to Thailand I haven’t done anything I wanted -big woo- that’s all my fault
Asmoduce: I dealt with my glorious fucking 13 weeks, I can't deal with who I am now I was a wash out, and I got over it
Lilchiva: You tell everyone you were a Marine. You have been riding on that the entire time I have known you. It’s a huge deal. You have based much of you identity on that you even have sat here and argued it with me. You need to be honest with yourself. You are who you are today, that’s where you’re at, period. No more BS
Asmoduce: And?
Lilchiva: That person who you want to be, what’s the first thing you can do to get there? What’s the first step you can make for positive change right now?
Asmoduce: Get a job, pay my bills, get my stuff out of storage, and fix my Plymouth up...get a job
Lilchiva: You need to go to bed, and when you wake up take a shower clean yourself up, I mean really like you want something and get the paper. Give me a call or I will call you. And we will get a plan together.
Asmoduce: Chiva, I isn’t got 50 fucking cents to my name, ok?
Lilchiva: Steal one. You got smokes?
Asmoduce: Of course not
Lilchiva: Steal a paper and get cleaned up. you got Leanne’s #?
Asmoduce: What do you mean by cleaned up???
Lilchiva: Like to get a job, like you want a fucking job, like clean clothes, groomed and shit, Tomorrow you’re going to get a job, if not then, then Friday, you’re going to go get a fucking job tomorrow if I have to hold your fucking hand. I am serious, cause this is where you’re at, and who I know you to have been would want me to do this
Asmoduce: Shit, shower shave, brush the teeth the hair, clothes that look nice, nothing new there
Lilchiva: Asmoduce, don’t give shit right now, you have no defense really; you need help in a hardcore fucking way. That’s the bottom line, you can hate me for this if you want but that’s not going to fix things
Asmoduce: Who said hate? Who said give you shit? Shit shower shave is the only thing I am doing damnit
Lilchiva: Don’t give me shit right now, that’s what I meant.
Asmoduce: Sorry, didn't realize I was
Lilchiva: So I’m going to tell you, go steal a paper and start going through it, borrow money from someone ...I don’t care what you do, but get a fucking paper, Observer, those free job flyers whatever You’re being defensive, and what I am going to tell you is that I am going to accept none of it, I am going to go see you tomorrow and you are going to start fucking getting on this because the consequences are you lose everything you don’t want to lose everything you may not care but the Asmoduce I know does, and you are going to get him back or just be this person you don’t like very much
Asmoduce: XXX-XXX-XXXX, which is my cell number, case you didn't get it earlier, what is the "new" one for you?
Lilchiva: XXX-XXX-XXXX Are there jobs in Sherman? Like can your pop get you one? Is that number metro?
Asmoduce: Not that I have looked for no, it is a long distance... out of Sherman... fucked up the registration... did the mailing address off of my folks address... didn't think when I did it
Lilchiva: Is that prepay number?
Asmoduce: Yup
Lilchiva: Can you get your money back?
Asmoduce: No idea it is based off of pre paid cards... it is a virgin mobile
Lilchiva: You can’t get a job in Dallas with that fucking area code, no one is going to call you back. Can you use Gadik’s land number?
Asmoduce: I do
Lilchiva: All right, where have you tried nearby?
Asmoduce: He just doesn't have voicemail on that line
Lilchiva: What happened to the Kroger job etc? Um is there a machine? Cause if there isn’t how are you to get messages?
Asmoduce: Borders, the coffee-gaming center, the garage across the street, everything except women's clothes and restaurants
Lilchiva: What happened to the coffee thing?
Asmoduce: That has been part of the problem, I end up calling back every time I haven't been in Gadik's house all day, with his phone in my hand. me, and all the rest, got replaced the week before open, by a bunch of UTD kids, at half the hourly
Lilchiva: How do you expect to get a job if they can’t get a hold of you?
Asmoduce: They get Gadik's landline as primary, his cell as secondary the only people that called back and called the cell were Kroger I gave the Valet company my cell phone number. The Borders did the classic, not hiring this time gig. The garage has lost most of their business cause the guys that did all the BMW and foreign car stuff left for another garage. Pizza hut hired somebody else.
Lilchiva: Braum’s, the bagel shop, Starbuck’s, wing stop, Gattiland, Ross, Radio Shack, Bill’s, Bagelstien’s, what did they say?
Asmoduce: Didn’t do the foodstuff... or, bills
Lilchiva: Asmoduce, you haven’t been trying, bottom line. Cause all those places are real near you.
Asmoduce: Cause I haven't gone to the places that can't pay me the minimum 7.25 an hour, at 40 hours, I need to make rent?
Lilchiva: Bagelstien’s can average you that. You can get two of them. Wing Stop starts at like 650 or something I think maybe more radio shack too Ross has stockers
Asmoduce: Radio Shack is 25 hours a week, tops
Lilchiva: Commission and so? You can parlay that into a better job at Sharper Image or that other one you could do Bagelstien’s and Radio Shack and be fine I know tons of people that survived off Bagelstien’s for years live with the same rent you got. Nickki’s, IHOP, movie theatre, there are tons of places around there. Star Bucks pays you more than minimum and has benefits.
Asmoduce: 8: 30, I call you; you call me, which ever, I am headed to bed
Lilchiva: Right on. I won’t be up until ten or 11. you get up at 8 or 830 and get started
Asmoduce: Sure thing
Lilchiva: Really, I won’t be up, but if you can get up that early, then fine
Asmoduce: I will; only sleeping in 3 hour "spurts" again. Off to bed for me then. Tomorrow.