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loloteheStuff today has me thinking about strength and my unfortunate capacity for cruelty.
I'm pretty sure I've said it before, but a lot of people have told me they admire me for my strength. I've never pressed people what they meant--mainly because I was learning how to accept a compliment--so I never haven't figured out what it means. Mom has said she's glad that my sister and I will not take any bullshit from anyone. If it had been true all along, there is no way I would have been in the relationships been I'd been stuck in. I will say I'm pretty good at dealing with set-backs, but that says more about my attitude than anything else. When bad things happen, I can say it could have been so much worse. Being able to look at bad things in this way makes me feel lucky more than anything. And, usually, I've got enough planned that there are back-ups in place for when those bad things happen. Really, the only time I really felt against the wall was back in 1996, but that was a long time ago and I got through it.
The people I have been able to fuck up in a fight have more themselves to blame than anyone else. They have always been easy to take care of. The legal cases I've been in: I had my paper-work in order and the folks I was up against did not. There hasn't been a case of an actual equal nemesis yet (I suppose I should be glad). I think this makes me look more accomplished than I really am. I've only taken advantage of very obvious openings.
This kind of makes me think about cruelty and what it means. Yes, I've made people cry. Sometimes, I meant it and sometimes I didn't. When I didn't, I felt bad and had to wonder if maybe I'd meant it.
But, the point is, I don't think that made me a strong person.
Being strong, in my mind, isn't about your ability to cause pain, but your ability to prevent it. Being a bad-ass is more about trying very hard to prove to people you aren't weak. There seems to be something very desperate about it.
This kind of goes back to what I had said earlier: every girl wants to be feared. As I meet various woman who claim to be bad-asses, or try to show me how much of one they are, all I can think about is how frightened they must be. There's something about being powerless that drives people to the desire to be feared. As they fear the things in power over them, they decide that's what it means to be powerful.
The guys I meet who claim to be (or try to show) how much of a bad-ass they are just come across as scared little boys.
Good example? Acid-throwing Taliban.
I've met actual bad-asses and they don't talk about it. When they interview a person who's being called a "hero", they almost always say the same thing: "I was just doing the right thing." That level of humility is what tells me they really are bad-ass. They know it and don't have to prove it to you.
In the past, my levels of cruelty go up as my sense of power over the situation go down. The meanest things I ever said to anyone was when he would not get out of my personal space and was much larger than I was. I couldn't physically fight my way out of it, but I could say the most hurtful things possible and make him back down (sadly, this worked).
I think about the folk who have wronged me in the past (and in a couple cases, it was just straight-up abuse); and sure, there are little fantasies that play out in my head but those are where I'm stopping it from happening. I'm not inflicting pain as much as I'm getting out of where I was. These fantasies involve the me of now, who's much more knowledgeable and confident than the me that got stuck in those scenarios in the first place.
And I'm not going to hunt those folks down. I'm out of that and doing better and that's my revenge. Knowing them, they'll fuck it up on their own and they don't need my help.
Real power doesn't threaten; it doesn't have to.
Real power doesn't treat people as expendable; it knows where power comes from.
Real power is able to see the other side's point of view; it's strong enough in its own position.
Power is something that's given. When you spend all day hating someone and go digging around to find a reason to hate them, you're giving them power. They can say something--aimed at you or not--and you're effected by it. Having power is being able to ignore those things and do what you're going to do.
Or, let's frame this with an argument I had once, long ago.
The girl asked me, "You think you're all that? You think you're better than me?"
And I said, "Yes. I can ignore you, but you care what I think."
I'm pretty sure I've said it before, but a lot of people have told me they admire me for my strength. I've never pressed people what they meant--mainly because I was learning how to accept a compliment--so I never haven't figured out what it means. Mom has said she's glad that my sister and I will not take any bullshit from anyone. If it had been true all along, there is no way I would have been in the relationships been I'd been stuck in. I will say I'm pretty good at dealing with set-backs, but that says more about my attitude than anything else. When bad things happen, I can say it could have been so much worse. Being able to look at bad things in this way makes me feel lucky more than anything. And, usually, I've got enough planned that there are back-ups in place for when those bad things happen. Really, the only time I really felt against the wall was back in 1996, but that was a long time ago and I got through it.
The people I have been able to fuck up in a fight have more themselves to blame than anyone else. They have always been easy to take care of. The legal cases I've been in: I had my paper-work in order and the folks I was up against did not. There hasn't been a case of an actual equal nemesis yet (I suppose I should be glad). I think this makes me look more accomplished than I really am. I've only taken advantage of very obvious openings.
This kind of makes me think about cruelty and what it means. Yes, I've made people cry. Sometimes, I meant it and sometimes I didn't. When I didn't, I felt bad and had to wonder if maybe I'd meant it.
But, the point is, I don't think that made me a strong person.
Being strong, in my mind, isn't about your ability to cause pain, but your ability to prevent it. Being a bad-ass is more about trying very hard to prove to people you aren't weak. There seems to be something very desperate about it.
This kind of goes back to what I had said earlier: every girl wants to be feared. As I meet various woman who claim to be bad-asses, or try to show me how much of one they are, all I can think about is how frightened they must be. There's something about being powerless that drives people to the desire to be feared. As they fear the things in power over them, they decide that's what it means to be powerful.
The guys I meet who claim to be (or try to show) how much of a bad-ass they are just come across as scared little boys.
Good example? Acid-throwing Taliban.
I've met actual bad-asses and they don't talk about it. When they interview a person who's being called a "hero", they almost always say the same thing: "I was just doing the right thing." That level of humility is what tells me they really are bad-ass. They know it and don't have to prove it to you.
In the past, my levels of cruelty go up as my sense of power over the situation go down. The meanest things I ever said to anyone was when he would not get out of my personal space and was much larger than I was. I couldn't physically fight my way out of it, but I could say the most hurtful things possible and make him back down (sadly, this worked).
I think about the folk who have wronged me in the past (and in a couple cases, it was just straight-up abuse); and sure, there are little fantasies that play out in my head but those are where I'm stopping it from happening. I'm not inflicting pain as much as I'm getting out of where I was. These fantasies involve the me of now, who's much more knowledgeable and confident than the me that got stuck in those scenarios in the first place.
And I'm not going to hunt those folks down. I'm out of that and doing better and that's my revenge. Knowing them, they'll fuck it up on their own and they don't need my help.
Real power doesn't threaten; it doesn't have to.
Real power doesn't treat people as expendable; it knows where power comes from.
Real power is able to see the other side's point of view; it's strong enough in its own position.
Power is something that's given. When you spend all day hating someone and go digging around to find a reason to hate them, you're giving them power. They can say something--aimed at you or not--and you're effected by it. Having power is being able to ignore those things and do what you're going to do.
Or, let's frame this with an argument I had once, long ago.
The girl asked me, "You think you're all that? You think you're better than me?"
And I said, "Yes. I can ignore you, but you care what I think."
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no subject
Date: 2012-11-06 11:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-11-19 08:48 pm (UTC)I've seen your cruelty a few times. The first time was probably a heard but unseen bit towards a confused computer user back in 95 or 96. For some reason, I thought your tiger toys had something to do with it.