Mar. 26th, 2017 08:40 pm
lolotehe: Events (Events)
[personal profile] lolotehe
I was talking with some folks a while back about how I have to get the bathroom in my house redone. There’s no actual tile in the bath, just some kind of plastic molded shit, and it’s starting to bow out in the tub. I’m only slightly terrified of what kind of rotten mess is behind that.

But, as a joke, what I want to do when I DO get the wall redone is seal in a fake baby skeleton in a christening gown.

I’ve done some pricing on this and a half-way decent looking fake baby skeleton costs roughly $600, but only $300 if it has two heads. This led to a debate on if I should put one tiny gold cross necklace on it or two and that led to a debate on where the soul resides and how many souls a two-headed baby would have.

After a while, I also decided that when I finally get the kitchen redone (similar tile situation there, but sans bowing), I should entomb a really nice bottle of wine with a note, “I’m sorry about the baby.”

What makes this really funny is, if you watch those house remodeling shows, they always do the kitchen first.

Now, add to all this, I recently inherited an old trunk. I had long ago joked about putting a trunk in the corner of my attic containing a skeleton in a wedding dress. Hell, there’s Christmas carols about shit like that.

I’d also like to point out I’m the second owner of my house. My house was built in 1930 and the previous owner was a very tall woman who I suspect died in the house.

Another thing about my house is the chimney was capped god knows when and the fireplace converted to gas. Someday, I’d like to turn it back into a proper wood-burning fireplace.

And then, the other day, while looking for something else, I stumbled on this Wikipedia article about dried cat. Not what I expected to find, but kinda interesting on its own.

So. That’s the setup. Yesterday at work, starting thinking about a story. Might make a fun little 30-minute film.

Young couple buys a house from an old woman who’s moving out to the desert to live with her sister. She tells them the history of the house, and how it was owned by a spinster, and also the house is “lucky”. It’s the only house on the block that wasn’t destroyed by a tornado that came through years ago, which is why it’s the only one on the block still in the old style.

While touring the place, she mentions the bathroom was recently remodeled, “So there’d be absolutely no reason to tear open any walls in here.”

The couple think that’s odd, but they love the house and its classic styling and it’s a good deal.

They immediately start remodeling and of course find the bottle of wine first. With the note. Properly upset, the husband insists on them tearing open the bathroom wall. The wife says the bathroom is fine.

Old college buddy comes back to town from a dig he’d been doing in rural England and the subject of the “baby” comes up. He talks about dried cats and says they can use a variant of ground penetrating radar to check the walls of the house. Sure enough, there’s a strange mass in the bathroom wall. They tear it open and find the “skeleton”. The anthropologist buddy points out the skeleton is fake.

The young couple is reasonably upset about this and try to contact the old lady who sold them the house, but she’s died. So it was a dying woman’s last joke. Fuck you too, lady.

Fast forward a few months and the young couple are in the process of uncapping the chimney and getting the fireplace working the way they want. Anthropologist buddy is there (maybe he was their best man or something) and they discover there’s something blocking the chimney. They manage to finagle a trunk out and bim bam boom there’s a skeleton in there with a wedding dress on. Husband is furious at the old lady who sold the house and her “stupid jokes”.

Anthropologist buddy points out this skeleton is real.
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